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Summary

Your Enneagram type has a default way of connecting—and it can either strengthen your relationships or quietly strain them. That’s why you’ll want to listen to this interview with Enneagram Ashton. You’ll walk away with practical, type-specific tips to strengthen the relationships in your life and take them to the next level.

Get the Notes

📑 FREE PDF Download: Healthy Relationships Podcast Notes
Get the bullet-point notes for all 6 episodes—key insights, no fluff, easy to revisit.

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Healthy Relationships Series

🎙️ Episodes in the Healthy Relationships Series

• How Each Enneagram Type Can Create Healthy Relationships | Suzanne Stabile (Ep. 1)
• What Each Enneagram Type Looks Like in Love | Steph Barron Hall (Ep. 2)
• What May Not Be Serving Your Relationships for Each Enneagram Type | Sarajane Case (Ep. 3)
• Relationship Tips for Each Enneagram Type | Ashton Whitmoyer-Ober (Ep. 4)
• 3 Ways Each Enneagram Type Can Improve Their Marriage | Christa Hardin (Ep. 5)
• Healthy Communication for All Enneagram Types | Dani Cooper (Ep. 6)

The Guest

👉🏼 Follow Ashton Whitmoyer-Ober

Web: https://enneagramashton.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/enneagramashton

Read The Transcript

Tyler Zach (00:20)

Welcome to Typish, an Enneagram podcast where we explore how your personality shows up in all of life. I'm your host Tyler Zach, and in each episode I connect you with leading experts on how your personality impacts your relationships, mental health, spirituality, and everything in between.

We are in the middle of a six-week series called Healthy Relationships. If you want the bullet point notes for all six episodes right now so that you can start to see improvements in your relationships right away, go ahead and click on the link below in the show notes and download that PDF as a free gift.

Over these next six weeks you get to hear from Suzanne Stabile, Sarah Jane Case, Krista Hardin, Danny Cooper, Steph Baron Hall, and today I sit down with Ashton Whitmoyer-Ober. Ashton is an Enneagram 2 and the author of The Enneagram for Relationships, which came out in 2020. She followed that up with her popular book The Enneagram Made Simple in 2022. She founded Enneagram Ashton, where she offers Enneagram training and life coaching, and has built up an Instagram community of over half a million Enneagram enthusiasts. Incredible.

Ashton is also a sought-after speaker, having led more than 150 workshops and speaking events. Today's episode features part of a conversation with Ashton that originally aired at my Enneagram summit on love and relationships. I asked Ashton to come on the summit to share some of her wisdom from her book, The Enneagram for Relationships. So join me and Enneagram Ashton now as we go around the Enneagram and explore relationship tips for each type.

Ashton (02:09)

Ones — as the Reformer — care a lot about order and justice and fairness. In relationships, that's going to transfer where they're going to want to make sure that things are fair, that everybody's playing their part. But in relationships, they're also highly responsible. They are honest, trustworthy, and committed to the relationship itself. They're committed to their people.

Where they can get in trouble sometimes is with that inflexibility and with criticism — not just of other people, but of themselves — that can get in the way of their relationships. Being able to be okay with other people doing things a different way, or letting other people help with tasks that you might like to remain in control over.

Really working to step into that Seven energy — being more positive, more flexible, taking things as they come — and just enjoying each other. Being able to do fun things without having to think about all the things you have to do, and losing that language of "you should be doing this, you should be doing that." Just being able to be and be with your partner or with the people around you.

Tyler Zach (03:44)

Very good. One of the questions I put in my Type One book was: do you want to be effective, or do you want to be right? If you always want to be right, it's hard to improve those relationships.

Ashton (03:53)

Mmm.

Tyler Zach (04:00)

Okay, let's go to the best type — Type Two.

Ashton (04:04)

Because I am a Two, I care deeply about relationships. And I know that is pretty much across the board for Twos. I think it's why I'm so passionate about using the Enneagram for relationships, because I've seen so much change in that.

The Two — the Helper — their life is pretty much centered around relationships and cultivating those connections with people. You might think, oh, Twos are great at relationships because that's part of what makes them who they are. But just like every other type, they're going to struggle with some things in relationships.

Let's talk about the good things. In relationships, Twos are going to be extremely nurturing, helpful, compassionate, and really caring deeply about making sure that other people feel loved, wanted, cared for, and appreciated — because those are all things the Enneagram Two wants to feel in return.

Where they can get in trouble is when they are overly accommodating, having a hard time saying no because they just want to please that person — which can then lead to burnout and resentment. Feeling like they're the only ones caring for other people while nobody is caring for them in return.

Also, Twos often feel like their needs aren't being met. And so what that can look like is becoming a little bit needy in order to feel needed in relationships. If I place myself in positions of needing to be needed, then they'll have no choice but to engage me in that situation.

So just a couple of things to look out for, Twos — but also remember to vocalize your needs. People won't read your mind and see what you need in that relationship. Just show the people how you need them to love you. I think that can be really impactful for a Two.

Tyler Zach (06:20)

Yeah. I love how the Enneagram gently confronts every type, and each one has a self-fulfilling prophecy. As a Two, if you try to bite your tongue and try to be needed and aren't forthright with your needs or what you want in the relationship, then it leads you to get frustrated, resentful, and then blow up — and that makes your relationships worse. So it's better just to be direct on the front end about what you need, to prevent the Two from hulking out, as I say. Good tips.

Ashton (06:59)

Yeah. That's so true. Hulking out — that's so funny. I'd never heard that before. Not relatable at all.

Tyler Zach (07:07)

Okay, the next best number — Three. That's my type.

Ashton (07:16)

Threes are really passionate about relationships as well. It's just going to look different because of those motivations and why they feel passionate about relationships.

In relationships, Threes want to really empower other people, cheer other people on, and succeed alongside their partners and their friends. They really value other people's input and feedback. But like everybody in the Two, Three, and Four, they can struggle with receiving feedback that might appear as critical and instead prefer feeling validated from the people around them.

Where Threes can get in trouble in relationships specifically is if they put tasks above relationships — where they put what they're achieving above relationship, or put status, or how they're perceived, or even how the relationship is appearing to other people above the relationship itself.

Some tips for Threes: sometimes just really listen to the people with whom they're in relationships. They're known to just be thinking about what's next or the things they have to get done. Instead, focus on active listening — not just hearing, but understanding what people are saying when they're communicating to you.

Also, being able to express your feelings and be more in tune with your emotions. Because for Threes, we know those feelings are there — they're sometimes just a little repressed and need to be pulled out and shared with others in a safe place.

Tyler Zach (09:10)

Another tip I've found helpful for myself, and probably for other Threes, is budgeting about 25% of your schedule — or even 15 to 20% — for nothing. Set your goals for the week, but only fill 80% of the time. That way you can budget for interruptions and for watercooler conversations in the workplace.

These are things that I often feel like interruptions, and you don't have time for people — and it makes you look extremely selfish when you're always working on your thing and being reactive towards people who are trying to have good conversations with you throughout the week. So just trying to budget more interruption time into your schedule to allow for those divine interruptions.

Ashton (09:46)

Yeah, that's really good advice. Even for me as a Two, I feel like that's just good advice.

Tyler Zach (10:12)

Good. Okay, let's go to Type Fours.

Ashton (10:16)

Another type that's going to be really in tune with the connections they have and valuing those deep connections. In relationships, they don't want surface-level relationships. They want to be able to go deep and have those deep conversations and deep connections. And so if you are in a relationship with a Four and you aren't that way, it might seem foreign at first.

But that is just really what Fours desire — they don't want to sit around and talk about the weather. They want you to tell them something you experienced in your life growing up.

Fours are also very empathetic and sensitive, in tune with their emotions and with other people's emotions. If they're in a relationship with somebody who isn't as in tune with their emotions, they might be able to help pull those characteristics out and really help you sit and figure out what you're feeling.

Also in relationships, Fours might struggle with a little bit of selfishness at times — only focusing on themselves, how they're feeling. They might feel so misunderstood that they shut people out.

I always think that Fours can either be extremely withdrawn or in conflict, or they can be highly aggressive. There's really no in between, and it's all based on their emotional response.

Some tips for Fours: be more in tune with other people. Share your experiences and expectations that you have in relationships — have those conversations — but also welcome any other types of conversations that may come up. It's not just about you and your emotional experiences within the relationship. Meet that other person where they're at and at their comfort level when it comes to those things.

Tyler Zach (12:21)

So many Fours that I know have written books about their life and their experiences, coming from a very "I've got to express what's going on in my life" place. But when they can flip that switch and become others-centered — "Hey, tell me about you" — even if it's something mundane about what someone did throughout the day, that can really improve their relationships. Good advice. Okay, Type Fives.

Ashton (12:51)

Fives are probably the type that might struggle with relationships the most. And it's not that they don't want to be in relationships with others — it just doesn't come as naturally to them as some of the other types.

A common misconception about Fives is that they're emotionless, that they don't feel anything, they don't experience emotions. And that's just not true. It just might not look like a Four or a Two experiencing their emotions. They feel like they can only share their emotions in a confined, safe space. And usually, a healthy relationship builds that space. So Fives may feel like they can share their emotions with you because of the trust that's developed.

In relationships, Fives are going to be independent. They love their independence and love having their own set of hobbies and activities, but then they like to come back together. They want you to be independent too — have your own things that you like to do — and then come back together and share those experiences. So they value independence, they might have strong boundaries within their relationships, and they're able to respect other people's boundaries too.

Where they can get in trouble is that inability to share their emotions. But in a safe space they might feel more open to do that.

They really do seek to understand. We hear about Fives wanting to seek knowledge, but really they're seeking that knowledge because they want to understand — whether it's whatever they're researching, or people and relationships. If they are with somebody, they're going to seek to understand who you are, why you do things the way that you do, and how you can work together.

So a tip for Fives: try to let that guard down a little bit. Let more people in — let in the people that you can trust. I'm not saying go trust everybody walking on the face of the earth. But engage in conversations with people, put yourself out there a little bit more, and have those conversations to seek to understand others.

Tyler Zach (15:22)

Fives miss out if they don't take risks to leave their metaphorical castle, put down the drawbridge, and get out and interact with people. Living in that castle and then taking risks to go out into the world — to share yourself and experience others — you realize that there's a much better life out there than living in the castle.

And so that's just daily — taking steps of faith every single day to say, it's going to be better if I go exert myself or be with these relationships, because it's going to be life-giving rather than life-draining. And it's a step of faith every single day.

Ashton (15:46)

Yeah, absolutely. For sure.

Tyler Zach (16:05)

Okay, let's talk about Type Sixes.

Ashton (16:09)

Sixes, at their core, do value relationships and community and connection. It's just that they need to feel safe and secure.

One of the core desires of a Six is to seek guidance. They're going to seek guidance from the people with whom they're in relationships — whether that be polling the peanut gallery on what decision to make, or being able to run things by them. Relationships are really important to them in that way.

And as the name suggests — the Loyalists — in relationships they are extremely loyal, committed, and trustworthy. They want to provide a safe space for their people, because that's something they value: being able to feel safe and secure. So similarly, they want to be able to offer that to others as well.

Where they can get in trouble is when they let some of that worry or self-doubt get in the way of relationships. Maybe they have a hard time trusting people at first, so they never explore what that relationship could look like because they're too worried about what could go wrong. "If I become friends with this person, what could go wrong? What if they abandon me or leave me?" They're always thinking about the what-ifs.

They can get caught up in the what-ifs for so long that they miss something really good. And they can start to spiral into worst-case scenarios and anxious feelings.

A tip for Sixes — similar to the Fives — just embrace stepping out of the comfort zone. Of course don't do anything that makes you feel unsafe or extremely uncomfortable, but you never know what could be out there if you don't take that first step, if you don't let people in, if you don't let your guard down at times. I'm not saying go trust everybody. But seek out the people who have your best interests at heart and form those relationships that you know are trustworthy — because Sixes want people to be as loyal to them as they are in their relationships.

Tyler Zach (18:38)

That's so helpful — because my wife is a Six. And maybe you've experienced this, but on our end relating to Sixes: we need to create space for them to talk about the what-ifs, to talk about the dangers or things they're concerned about.

Ashton (18:42)

So is my husband! Yeah.

Tyler Zach (19:03)

After I learned the Enneagram, I was like, oh, I need to create that space — that is like a love language, creating space for my wife to do that. But on the flip side, I think if Sixes can do some of that heart work themselves first — do a brain dump and get some of their concerns on paper — they realize how silly some of those fears are and can work through that themselves.

Then when they come to us, their spouses or colleagues, there's a lot less angstiness that they put out into the air. They don't realize it — just like an Eight, it's therapeutic to vent their anger and then they're good. It's therapeutic for Sixes to vent their anxieties because it feels good to have that release. But they don't realize how much it's affecting us.

Ashton (19:51)

Yeah. And I've learned to just prepare them — don't dump last-minute things on them, like, okay, we have to do this, this, and this, with no preparing for that. I think that can be really helpful for Sixes.

Tyler Zach (20:01)

Yeah. Okay, let's talk about Sevens.

Ashton (20:14)

Sevens are relationship-focused and really enjoy being around people. They love to experience things with people, take people on their adventures, and instill that positivity and confidence in others. Similar to Threes, they are big cheerleaders for their people.

Where they can get in trouble is a lack of focus on the relationship and an impulsivity — just jumping head first into situations with people. They also sometimes have a fear of commitment at first. Relationships can be a little scary if they feel like they're going to be tied down or not going to be able to experience life the way they always have.

But they're the friend that's always down to go do whatever, and last-minute plans are totally fine with the Seven. Whereas some people need four or five business days' notice to get anything done. I know I can call my Seven friend and be like, "Hey, do you want to go to lunch today?" And she's like, "Yeah, sure, what time?" That's always fascinating to me — because they just love people so much that they want to spend their time doing things with others.

A tip for Sevens: they're always thinking about what's next and have a really hard time focusing in on the present moment. When they're in relationships, really just value that time you're spending together. Focus on and cherish that time. Don't worry about what you're doing tomorrow or what you can plan next — just cherish the time you're spending together.

Tyler Zach (22:12)

Love it. All of us have the ability to fill the room or fill the space with something. For me, if I'm not self-aware, I'm filling the space with what I'm passionate about, what I'm working on. Fours can fill it with their emotions. Sixes, like we said, can fill the space with their anxieties.

And Sevens I've noticed can fill the space with what they're passionate about — which is really fun. But if they have a new idea or something new on the horizon, that can affect relationships, because it just fills the conversation. It doesn't allow for the other person to feel seen or heard because it becomes all about the Seven's ideas and what they're doing. So to try to talk 50% less, talk 50% slower, minimize themselves just a little bit, listen a little bit more, and have empathy — that goes a long way for Sevens, I've found.

Ashton (23:17)

Yeah, and obviously that's going to be a little bit different for self-pres versus social versus one-to-one. But Sevens stereotypically do have that tendency to think inward and put their experiences at the forefront. So just being able to embrace all the experiences of the people around them as well.

Tyler Zach (23:23)

Mm-hmm. Social, yeah. Okay, Type Eights.

Ashton (23:46)

Type Eights — the Challenger — they are just super passionate about their people, protective of their people. They exert a strong energy. When an Eight comes into the room, you're like, oh, I know that's an Eight, I can feel it. And you can kind of sense that in a relationship too. If you're with a friend group, you know who the Eight is in that group.

But they are just super passionate. They can be very compassionate towards their people, and they are honest and direct. They're able to say what they mean and mean what they say. You never have to wonder where you stand with an Enneagram Eight. You'll always know.

Where they can get in trouble, of course, is when their assertiveness turns into aggressiveness, or if that protection of others can be perceived as being a bully.

My sister is an Enneagram Eight, and I talk about her often in all of the things I do on social media and at speaking events, because it's probably the relationship that has been impacted the most by the Enneagram. Me being a Two — super sensitive — and her being an Eight, we just clashed for a very long time.

I think a lot of people, before they understand what the Enneagram is, kind of have blinders on to the way that other people do things. It's like, this is how the world works, this is how I view the world, and that must be how everybody else views the world. So similarly, I thought everybody should be emotional like me. And she was thinking, why doesn't Ashton just tell me what she means? If she's mad at me, why doesn't she just tell me instead of beating around the bush?

Eights — we have our fair share of differences, as a lot of siblings do — but we're able to understand each other better now. For my entire life, I thought she was just yelling at me all the time. Then I realized, when I discovered the Enneagram, that she's just passionate and that's just how she talks.

I never want Eights to change who they are. But just remember who is on the other end. Sometimes that can look like softening your tone or meeting other people where they're at. Really just being open to understanding that other people do things differently than you, and other people react differently than you. I think that level of understanding can be really helpful for Eights.

Tyler Zach (26:34)

That's so good. Not sitting around thinking they're mad at me unless I see actual concrete evidence — because we can do that so much. Especially for Twos, if someone looks at you funny, you'll be thinking about it the rest of the day. But for Eights, you know that they're going to give you evidence. They're going to tell you if they're angry at you. So it's like the best sort of relationship to be in, because you know they're going to be truthful and honest with you.

Ashton (26:59)

Yeah, I know! And honestly, my entire life, she fought my battles for me. We were three and a half years apart in life, four years apart in school. She was my older sister who went ahead of me and kind of just protected me from everything. And so it's so interesting now, having the language of the Enneagram, to look back on that and see those motivations shine through. They are just very nurturing and loving of their people. And I think Eights get a bad reputation sometimes.

Tyler Zach (27:41)

Okay, Type Nines.

Ashton (27:43)

Nines — the Peacemaker. They just want everybody to get along, everybody to love each other, and everybody to be happy. In relationships, it's going to reflect that — they really care deeply about the other person, their opinions, their wants, their desires.

What can go wrong is when they neglect their own desires, their own needs, their own opinions, because they merge with the other person. Besides that, they're also very empathetic and just want other people to feel comfortable. Comfort is huge for Nines. So Nines will do what it takes to meet the needs of the people around them. And again, that can look like repressing their own things — and anger as well. We see Nines can get angry about needing to fulfill those things, but then they let it bury. And then it can explode or come out as being passive-aggressive — a lot of resentment from that.

They need to make sure there's no conflict. Conflict is a huge piece for Nines. In relationships, they might tend to feel on edge or like they're walking on eggshells to avoid any conflict. So if you're in a relationship with a Nine, be gentle with it. Don't say things like "Hey, we need to talk" — three days in advance. That's probably a Nine's worst nightmare, having to wait for that. Instead, address things quickly so they can process and move on.

A tip for Nines: utilize your voice. You have strong opinions, strong desires, wants, and needs — and we know they're in there. Share how you're feeling, share your opinions, what you want to do, even what you want for dinner, where you want to go. Share those things. And for someone who's in a relationship with a Nine, encourage them to utilize that voice too, because that can be really important for them.

Tyler Zach (29:59)

So good. You can see the connection between Nines and Twos here — for Twos, you have to be forthright about your needs, otherwise you're going to Hulk out eventually. And for Nines, that timeline is just stretched.

They're probably not going to Hulk out as fast as a Two would, but they're going to shut you out later in life. So to know that if you're trying to be overly nice to somebody and just sucking it up — "I'm just going to be nice to them" — knowing that eventually you're actually hurting them. Because eventually down the road you are going to cut them out. There is going to be some really extreme passive-aggressive stuff that comes out later on. So taking those small steps of being honest now is actually a better way to love them. It's going to protect the long-term relationship.

Okay. Well, this has been great. We made it through all nine types, Ashton.

Ashton (30:53)

Yeah, it was great.

Tyler Zach (31:04)

If you benefited from this episode, please make sure to hit the like button, subscribe, and give us a five-star rating and write a review so this content will be shared with more Enneagram enthusiasts like yourself.

Now before you go, let me ask you to reflect on this: As you listened to Ashton, which tip resonated the most with you? And what's one small step you can put into action right now to strengthen one of your relationships?

Remember — if you want your relationships to change, it often starts with you. Don't wait around for the other person to go first. Be the one who takes the first step. You may be surprised by what happens next.