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Summary

In this next episode in our Healthy Relationships series, Tyler Zach sits down with Stephanie Barron Hall to discuss Enneagram types and their characteristics in romantic relationships. Note: This teaching originally appeared at Tyler’s Love & Relationships Summit in 2024.

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📑 FREE PDF Download: Healthy Relationships Podcast Notes
Get the bullet-point notes for all 6 episodes—key insights, no fluff, easy to revisit.

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Healthy Relationships Series

🎙️ Episodes in the Healthy Relationships Series

• How Each Enneagram Type Can Create Healthy Relationships | Suzanne Stabile (Ep. 1)
• What Each Enneagram Type Looks Like in Love | Steph Barron Hall (Ep. 2)
• What May Not Be Serving Your Relationships for Each Enneagram Type | Sarajane Case (Ep. 3)
• Relationship Tips for Each Enneagram Type | Ashton Whitmoyer-Ober (Ep. 4)
• 3 Ways Each Enneagram Type Can Improve Their Marriage | Christa Hardin (Ep. 5)
• Healthy Communication for All Enneagram Types | Dani Cooper (Ep. 6)

The Guest

👉🏼 Follow Steph Barron Hall

Website: https://www.ninetypes.co/

Read The Transcript

Tyler Zach (00:00)

Welcome to Typish, an Enneagram podcast where we explore how your personality shows up in all of life. I'm your host, Tyler Zach, and in each episode I connect you with leading experts on how your personality impacts your relationships, mental health, spirituality, and everything in between.

We are in the middle of a six-week series called Healthy Relationships. If you want the bullet point notes for all six episodes right now so that you can start to see improvements in your relationships right away, you can click on the link below in the show notes and download that PDF as a free gift. Over these six weeks, you'll get to hear from Suzanne Stabile, Krista Hardin, Danny Cooper, Ashton Whitmore-Ober, Sarah Jane Case, and today I sit down with Steph Barron Hall.

Steph created the popular Instagram account called Nine Types Co. that has grown to 246,000 followers. Her work has shown up in Parade Magazine, Men's Health, E! Online, and other notable places. She's the host of the podcast Enneagram in Real Life, and she recently authored a book by the same title. She's also the author of the Enneagram in Love, which we'll talk about today. Make sure to go check out Steph's books — I have both of them — and learn more about her and her work at ninetypes.co.

Today's episode features powerful teaching from Steph that originally aired at my Enneagram summit on love and relationships. So join me and Steph now as we go around the Enneagram circle and explore what each type looks like in love.

Stephanie (02:00)

Yeah, so the first thing I'll say, before I go into this, is people often ask me — and I'm sure you hear this too — which types are most compatible? Which type pairings work best together? And I would say that the Enneagram is really here for us to be on this lifelong self-discovery journey. So it's not like certain types work or don't work. It's more like... find a person who's open and curious about you, who treats you well, who is respectful and willing to be on that growth path with you. I think those things are a lot more important than looking for a specific type.

Though for some people, you might be the type of person who doesn't do well with a certain type of person. So that can be a possibility, of course, but I tend to have a pretty open view of that.

And then the other thing I would say is, sometimes people ask me: what can I do if my partner is not into the Enneagram? My husband has had a really hard time figuring out his Enneagram type and has basically gone around the whole thing. What I value from that is that with each different type he explored — like, oh, maybe I'm this type — I learned something new about him, and he learned something new about himself. So we were able to have good conversations about that.

So if your partner doesn't want to get into the Enneagram or they're not sure about their type, you can communicate why it's important to you or how it's really helped you move forward, and be really curious and interested in them. But also, I would say try not to use Enneagram language.

If you want to talk about some of the insights that you're finding for yourself, you can share what that looks like for you or how you've seen that show up for you. But just don't say, "Oh, it's because I'm a—"

I think what is important, whether you're on a team or with your partner, is being able to articulate: this is how I communicate, this is what I know about myself — to kind of convey that sense of self-knowledge and your ability to understand your impact on others. Those sorts of things are really important.

So I don't get as hung up on the specific typology as much as I think: okay, how can you really use this to understand yourself and to improve your relationship? Sometimes I emphasize that, especially if somebody is having a really hard time figuring out their type.

Tyler Zach (04:41)

That's really good.

Stephanie (04:42)

Okay, so let's dive into Type Eight. For all of the types, I have a few different pieces. I want to talk about "oh no-nos," or relationship deal-breakers. This actually comes from Parks and Rec, where Tom Haverford shares his relationship oh no-nos — I did an entire YouTube video about it. I went on Instagram, polled everyone, and boiled things down a little bit. So I have a few oh no-nos, things that can actually be deal-breakers for people in relationships, then what each type brings to the relationship, and then something that they struggle with.

Tyler Zach (05:14)

Wow. Perfect. I love it. All right, and Eights are probably excited — like, wow, we get to go first. I'm sure the Eights are overjoyed.

Stephanie (05:23)

All right, let's start with our body types.

So, first off, oh no-nos for Eights: avoiding or dancing around the truth. That can be really frustrating. Eights tend to not be very patient with that. And having no sense of loyalty — no sense of "I'm with you in this" — Eights appreciate that deeply.

Also being controlling. They're not necessarily out there looking for conflict, but if they sense, even in a small way, that somebody is trying to control them, that's when you're going to get a big reaction — because they have to push back. It's not even necessarily a cognitive choice; it's more of an instinct to say, "Actually, no, you can't control me." And then also not being able to let their guard down with that person.

Really, that's about this sense of betrayal. Eights are really sensitive to feeling betrayed. And so if they can't let their guard down, they're not going to be able to be in that close relationship with that person. That can be a deal-breaker.

But in relationships, Eights bring protection. They tend to be really protective of their people — they don't allow other people to speak negatively about their partner. And they'll encourage their partner to have good boundaries with other people, to say, "Actually, that's not your responsibility." To the point where sometimes Eights might get a little frustrated if their partner is a Two, for example, and is taking on way too much all the time.

But Eights are also really good at empowering their partner and saying, "Hey, you can do this" — kind of pushing them a little bit and saying, "I believe in you, I think you can do it. I think you're awesome." They also bring a lot of mutual trust and respect. That's a big thing for Eights. They want somebody who can stand their ground, and they like being able to build that mutual sense rather than having the relationship feel one-sided.

They can also just get a lot done. A lot of the Eights I know can move through things so quickly, and it's really impressive — managing things around the house and stuff like that. And they can be really tenderhearted and loving when there's trust and loyalty built. We all see this shield, this strength that Eights bring, but some of my close friends are Eights and I have that gift of being able to see how loving and tender and kind and sweet they are with their kids or their partners.

So in a relationship, Eights can really struggle with vulnerability. And sometimes I get pushback on this. I want to mention that I think vulnerability is different from transparency. Transparency is just being truthful, and Eights are great with that. But the emotional side of vulnerability can be difficult.

And to be clear, Eights do show their softer side — but because they're so sensitive to betrayal, if you take advantage of that softer side, that can be really, really hard for them.

Tyler Zach (08:51)

Great. You just weaved in and out of all these amazing points in such a concise way that there are too many points to double-click on here if we're going to make our time and get through all nine types. So I'm going to try to hold my tongue.

I'll just say one thing: Eights can come off a little intimidating to people at times. But I love having this conversation because once you get into that inner circle of trust with an Eight, they can be tender. They'll be a warrior for you. They will protect you. They will do hard stuff that you don't want to do. There are so many advantages to being in love with a Type Eight. I just want to say that, because it's not said enough about Eights.

Stephanie (09:51)

Yeah. Okay, Type Nines. Some relationship deal-breakers for Type Nines. I think the first one is being judgmental or negative. That can be really draining for a Nine to be around a lot. They really, really don't like that. It's not to say they'll end a relationship over it, but they might just drift away and not really engage or attempt to build that relationship.

Also being overly pushy, especially when they don't want to do something. Nines can be so easygoing that sometimes people just think, "Oh, they'll say yes, it's fine." They don't realize they're pushing the Nine around, and Nines hate that and tend to get really stubborn in those moments — for good reason. It's not really kind or respectful to push them around like that.

Nines also don't like it when people are intentionally seeking out conflict. I've heard Nines say, "People just care way too much about things." Nines do have things they care a lot about, but other people tend to have a lot of things they care intensely about, and Nines don't really like it when it feels like there's always going to be conflict with somebody.

And then acting dismissive toward others, including the Nine. Nines are really sensitive to feeling overlooked — it's almost like they kind of expect to be overlooked. And so when that happens, it can be really hurtful.

But in relationships, Nines bring just a lot of warmth and comfort. They have this foundation of being really loving and accepting. There's no sense of having to prove yourself or hustle to get the Nine to notice you or be there for you. Nines kind of offer that preemptively and have that sense of acceptance. I think that's really beautiful. When I've seen Nines in relationships, their partner can really feel that sense of warmth and kindness coming from them.

They also will do a lot to build their relationship and to be really intentional about that connection. I think Nines are some of the people who maybe don't get as much recognition for how much they actually do for other people, because there's this assumption that Nines just like to be on the couch and veg out. But they actually really want to invest in their relationships and their people. Nines are very supportive, and they're often supportive practically too — they'll do whatever they need to do to support their partner.

But they can struggle with staying present with conflicts or even broaching conflict at all, especially if it feels like it could be detrimental to the relationship. It's really important for Nines to feel like: we can go into this and our relationship will be okay.

Sometimes Nines can have a really hard time speaking up for themselves, especially if they feel their partner is going to be really judgmental or critical of them. I've seen it before where a Nine just withdraws and withdraws and withdraws, and eventually kind of drops out of the relationship — whether actually, or just mentally and emotionally — because they were never able to say, "This is what I think, this is what I need." That can be a really difficult dynamic for Nines.

Tyler Zach (13:25)

I just want to say, Nines, that me and Steph envy you — especially in the way that you do relationships. Tyler's hosting a summit here, Steph is writing a book and continuing to do great things, but we really envy Nines in the way they are in love and in relationships. They're so easygoing. What you see is what you get. They're not caught up in career and thinking about the future all the time.

I really envy my Nine friends who can just chill — provide a harmonious, peaceful environment in their homes and just be present, more present with their partner. So I really appreciate healthy Nines.

Stephanie (14:16)

Yeah, I think the big caveat to that is sometimes social Nines tend to have more going on than you'd expect. They just say yes to a lot.

Tyler Zach (14:22)

Good point. Sorry, social Nines.

Yeah, they can almost look very Two-ish in the way that they put the needs of the community or the group first, and get distracted doing those things and pull away from their spouse for sure. That's a good caveat.

Stephanie (14:43)

Yeah. Okay, so Type One. Relationship deal-breakers for Ones: not taking responsibility for your share of the duties. Ones are really, really good at meeting practical needs, but they can feel really frustrated and sometimes feel like they're the only adult in the room because the other person is not doing enough.

We'll get to that a little bit more in a second. But I think Ones really appreciate when a partner is willing to show up and do what they need to do for the relationship as well. Also, lacking integrity — Ones really don't like that. I think Ones, Sixes, and Eights can be really aware of when people are being shifty, and they really can tell and don't like it.

And then also being overly critical. I've heard feedback on this before — people say, "Well, Ones are so critical of me. Why don't they like me being overly critical?" And it's because they are always so much more critical of themselves than they are of other people, for the most part. So it can be really, really hard for a One if their partner is critical, because they feel like they're just never going to do enough — that they're a terrible partner. That can be really difficult.

And then when people are careless and kind of force the One to act as the parent rather than the partner — that can be really hard for Ones.

Because in relationships, Ones bring this ability to meet needs. They're just fantastic at meeting practical, physical needs. They're very much the acts-of-service people. I've had people in my life who don't always say "I love you" or convey all of that verbally, but they do make sure the oil is changed or whatever — all those little day-to-day things. Ones also really take responsibility for their part in the relationship. It can take time sometimes, especially when they feel like their partner is being critical of them, but once they accept, "Okay, yeah, I made that mistake," they will show up and apologize and do better the next time.

I actually know Ones who are really good at not having conflict in their relationship at all because they're always so conscientious. That works for them, but I think Ones can be really conscientious about doing the best they can and doing what's right in their relationship. They try really hard to make their relationship work and to make their partner feel really good about their connection. They bring a sense of sincerity to it. They're not half in — they're definitely bringing their best effort.

But they can really struggle with becoming resentful when they feel like no one else is trying as hard as they are, or no one else is doing it quite right. Sometimes Ones have really high standards and expectations. That can be a good thing — kind of a superpower in some ways — but can also be difficult when they're not really taking their partner's humanity, or their own humanity, into account in the way they're expecting things in the relationship.

Tyler Zach (18:20)

I think the thing that sticks out to me is that their high expectations and standards can just make you feel a little off from what they're expecting. Again, it's just because they have a very strong sense of what's ideal — they're very idealistic — and that can cause some problems.

And I think Ones can come off a little formal in relationships, or a little prickly with the comments when they're "shoulding" on others too much. But again, I think they can be a little misunderstood. So if they can communicate their inner world and how they see the world, it'll help anybody in a partnership with a One...

Tyler Zach (19:10)

...to understand them better and have grace and empathy for the way that they view the world.

Stephanie (19:14)

Yeah. Okay, let's talk about our heart types. So, Twos. Some relationship deal-breakers: being inconsiderate towards those who are doing their best to help, or being unfairly critical of people in general. Twos are really aware of when other people are doing their best and how other people are feeling. Whether that's going to a coffee shop or something, they're like, "Okay, they're doing their best" — they appreciate that. So it's hard for Twos when other people don't appreciate that.

Seeming cold or uninterested in connection — that's a pretty early-on one for Twos, like, "Oh yeah, this is probably not going to work." It's interesting, though, because sometimes people assume that's how Fives are, which is not really my experience. But I do see the Two and Five combination a lot, and I think there's that tendency to kind of balance each other — one bringing the heart, the other bringing the mind, that sort of thing.

Twos also do not appreciate a complete lack of gratitude, or being taken advantage of and not having their kindness reciprocated. They can start to feel wary because they feel like they're putting a lot in — even though sometimes what they're putting in isn't what the other person asked of them — but they're investing a lot and they're like, "Wait, where is the other half of this?" So that can be frustrating for Twos.

But in relationships, Twos bring a lot of fun and joy and positivity. They're really good at making their partner feel special and loved and really seen. A Two can make you feel like this person understands me, this person sees me, they're not rushing to the next thing — they're seeing me. And that can feel really touching, especially because a lot of us don't experience that. If you work remotely or whatever, you're not getting that all the time.

They're also good at mirroring back their partner's emotions and being really curious. They like to study their partner — they're really curious and they kind of reflect those emotions back. Of course, it can be hard for Twos sometimes because they don't always know exactly what they're feeling separate from what their partner is feeling.

And then they focus a lot on communication. How can we be better at this communication thing? How can we be there for each other better? They really, really invest in their relationships. Heart types in general have that bent, but especially Twos — they're going to think about what's the best way to communicate, how can we set up rituals that are going to support our love life, things like that.

But Twos can struggle with being resentful when other people aren't mind readers. Really, when a Two isn't getting things reciprocated the way they want, or feels like their partner isn't seeing them the way they're seeing their partner, it feels like: they're just not as invested in me, or they don't think about me that much, or they're seeing me as replaceable, or they're rejecting me. That can be really, really hurtful for a Two.

So sometimes we say, "Oh, it's just because they want everyone to read their mind," but what's actually beneath that is they want to feel as important to their partner as their partner is to them.

Tyler Zach (23:07)

What comes to mind for me is that just as Ones have such high standards for everything to be perfect and good, Twos have that same enormous expectation for love and connection. And they're going to feel that constant frustration that their partner isn't reciprocating — that constant sense of not feeling like they're getting enough in return. Whether it's responding to their acts of service, or spending the quality time that the Two wants to give to them. There's that constant frustration of not feeling like it's going both ways.

Stephanie (23:44)

Yeah. And I think for Twos as well, it's helpful for them to not say, "My way is the right way" — because I do see that sometimes from Twos — and to be a little bit more open-minded about that.

Tyler Zach (23:56)

Yeah, that's good.

Stephanie (23:58)

Yeah, okay. Type Three. Relationship deal-breakers. Believing the worst about themselves — like if the other person believes the worst about themselves and others in the world, that's just exhausting for Threes. Being dishonest — that's a huge one for Threes. People don't really expect that because of the word "deceit," which I think of more as self-deceit connected with Threes. But I think for Threes, it's really important to know where they stand with people. They're so used to always having to read something or read somebody. It's really important for them to have people around them who are just direct and accept them as they are — to have that sense of, "Okay, we're good. I don't have to read this person's mind. Everything is fine."

And then intentionally holding them back from making progress — Threes really don't like that. Whether it's in their career or even just a home project or whatever they're trying to do in life, they don't like to feel stymied in that sense.

And then assuming you know them based on superficial things. I've experienced this, being online and in other contexts too, where people make a lot of assumptions because they just see the external layer. Of course, Threes can do a better job of being vulnerable and sharing a little more of what's not polished. But I think it can be hard for a Three to want to invest in a relationship where somebody is making a lot of assumptions.

So in relationships, Threes bring a lot of lightheartedness, I think, and a lot of willingness to work on the relationship. This could possibly be my bent as the sexual or one-to-one Three, but it's really easy for my specific subtype to be like, I'm going to make this relationship my entire job. Listening to podcasts, reading books, putting in whatever work is needed to improve the relationship.

And sometimes Threes don't stay on their own side of the street with that. They might think, "Oh, I can see how my spouse would do so much better if they just did X." We kind of tend to go over onto their side of the street and say, "All right, I'm going to help you with this a little bit." And it's not always exactly what the person wants or needs. That's something Threes do have to work on.

But part of the reason for that is because Threes really see the best in their partner and are really supportive and encouraging of whatever their partner wants to pursue.

Tyler Zach (26:39)

I think as a self-pres Three, I think less about fulfilling that particular role. Self-pres Threes can be workaholics and self-preserving of their time and space.

Stephanie (26:57)

Yeah, for sure. And I think the thing that Threes can really struggle with is taking their partner for granted. Threes aren't always good at expressing how important and how valuable their relationship is to them. They go out and do a lot of other things — career-oriented things, community things — and they're kind of just expecting their partner to still be there when they come back and when they're done with all of those other things. And I think that's to our detriment, because people don't have to wait around for us forever while we're chasing whatever we're chasing. That's something Threes really need to work on.

Tyler Zach (27:39)

I really resonate with that. You can take your spouse for granted. Yes, a hundred percent.

Okay, so Type Fours.

Stephanie (27:48)

All right. Some deal-breakers for Fours: being unwilling to invest time to work through issues. Fours get really frustrated when people aren't willing to really go there in those conversations. And also when people don't value the creative beauty that Fours see in the world. I've certainly met Fours who would say, "I'm not creative" or "I'm not into art or something like that," but they still have this sense of awe and care about things that feel really beautiful or meaningful. If people just disregard that, it can be hard for Fours.

Also being impatient with their emotional processing — that is really frustrating for Fours and tends to not go very far in a relationship. And then assigning thoughts and feelings and attitudes to their behavior. Fours really don't like to be told how they feel about things. So even if you're trying to convey understanding, it's really helpful for a Four if you can ask, "Am I getting that right? Is that how you would say it?" — if you're trying to echo back what you're hearing. Because Fours want to be understood, and sometimes they feel like other people are just saying, "This is how you are, this is how you feel." And they're like, "Well, that's not exactly it." They always let you know, because they have that resilience to say, "I'm going to keep trying to explain myself so that you can understand me" — which is something I appreciate about them.

So in relationships, Fours bring a sense of emotional awareness. They're not always necessarily super attuned to the other person's emotions, but they're aware of the emotional environment. And sometimes they're doing this interjection thing where they're picking up feelings and processing them internally. They have that emotional awareness.

And sometimes, even if there aren't a lot of hobby similarities or surface-level compatibility things, if Fours feel what is almost an emotional — or even cosmic — connection with somebody, that can take a lot of precedence over those other things that might feel more surface-level.

Fours are also really good at speaking their emotional truth. Just like it's a deal-breaker for them when people don't want to invest in working through issues, they're really good at saying, "Okay, this is a difficult conversation we need to have, but it's important. So let's talk about it." Because, as we all know, they love authenticity — they are very authentic, always trying to be as true as possible to themselves and how they truly feel about things. So they're willing to bring stuff up even when it's a little bit uncomfortable.

And they tend to be very intentional, thoughtful people. They think about what words they're going to use and what's the right way to convey something. I think that can be really valuable because they do take their relationship seriously, and that's something I find really beautiful about Fours.

Something they can struggle with is idealizing their partner and their relationship. So when they're apart from their partner — even if they just haven't seen them all day — they might start to think of all the beautiful things about that person and about their relationship together. But when they're close, they might feel disappointed because the relationship isn't living up to the ideal in their mind. There's that constant back and forth. That can be emotionally exhausting for the Four, and if they're speaking that out to their partner, it can also be really hard for the partner to feel a sense of stability in their connection — which can be long-term very corrosive for the relationship.

Tyler Zach (31:51)

If you're in a relationship with a Four, you have to create lots of space. It's going to be a little complicated, because Fours are complicated — beautifully complicated. But you just have to hold more space for them to express things that you might not feel, and get to the bottom of their heart so they feel understood.

Because if you do that, there are so many advantages to being in a relationship with a Four. Think about it this way: what would it be like if we had no movies, no Netflix, no music in our lives? It would be very dull and boring. But being in a relationship with a Four is like hearing a song. They might not be writing music, they might not be artists, but all of them are beautifully deep and introspective — meaning makers. If you're in a relationship with a Four, they're going to help create a meaningful life.

Stephanie (32:49)

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Tyler Zach (32:49)

Yeah.

Stephanie (32:51)

Fives — our head types. Relationship deal-breakers for Fives are pretty much what you would expect. One consistent surface-level connection — Fives don't really like a lot of small talk. They like depth. Sometimes I've seen Fives say, "I understand the utility of small talk and I will engage in it for that purpose." But they really like to have more interesting conversations. If you can get them on something they're interested in, they will dive deep. They'll talk to you all day.

Then not respecting their boundaries, and especially trying to control their time, energy, or resources —

Tyler Zach (33:13)

[laughs]

Stephanie (33:32)

— that is so depleting for a Five, and it feels like you just don't respect them as a person. That's not something they really want to deal with in a relationship. Being unwilling to discover who they truly are — sometimes people make assumptions. I've definitely seen this with friends of mine who are married to Fives, where other people say, "Oh, they're just like this." And then their partner is like, "No, they're not. They're not like that at all." Fives are a lot more complex than people — especially people who aren't very close with them — tend to see.

And then ignoring the truth and insisting on believing convenient untruths. Fives really don't respect when people believe what they want to believe, or what they feel, versus what the data supports.

I'm not saying Fives are always necessarily correct. I think they can find data in a lot of different places, but they have a really hard time with people seeing things differently if they feel their viewpoint is supported by solid data and information.

So in relationships, Fives bring a lot of loyalty. I think Fives experience a much deeper connection with their partner than they actually express. They have this really, really deep — almost intertwined — connection with their partner. That's how I've heard a Five describe it before. But they don't always say that. They don't always express that. Instead, they're just really steadfast and loyal and reliable.

They tend to be really good at giving practical, well-considered guidance. When the pandemic first happened, a Five friend was like, "All right, what does the data say? What do we need to do?" And just created clear guidelines. Super helpful.

And they're often really nonjudgmental and accepting. I think Fives know what it's like to be judged for being a little weird or misfit in some way, and so they tend to be kind of open to other people being however they are — as long as those people are not encroaching upon them.

And then they respond really well to specific requests. I've especially seen this in pairings where somebody needs something more from the Five. If you can be specific and concrete — "Hey, can you do this? Can you say this? Can you offer this in this scenario?" — Fives can do really well with that. The problem sometimes is if the request is just "be more emotionally available." For a Five, that's like... what? That feels like something I cannot offer, and that can be really difficult.

In their relationships, Fives can struggle with feeling overwhelmed — that sense that their partner wants more from them than they are able to give. Something I've heard from Five friends recently is that sharing doesn't feel like we both have it now. It's more like: I'm giving it to you, and now I don't have it anymore. And that's why things can feel so depleting for Fives. That can be really overwhelming in a relationship if their partner doesn't understand.

Fives have to figure out how to compromise with that. It's not to say everyone has to acquiesce to how the Five needs things to operate, but we need to have respect for how people function.

Tyler Zach (37:08)

If you're a Five, use your superpower of learning to learn about yourself and why you do the things you do, and then communicate those things to your partner — because that will go a long way.

I remember Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes — two really great Enneagram experts — they say they get the most questions from partners of Fives. "Help me with my spouse. Help me figure them out." Because it just takes a little bit more time and energy to figure out those mysterious Fives.

But Fives can be incredibly warm. Self-pres Fives are considered the most "Five-ish" according to common literature, and yet they are very, very warm with the people they love. So that's just a stereotype — people don't realize how warm and pleasant Fives can be.

Stephanie (38:10)

Yeah, I love Fives. Okay.

Tyler Zach (38:12)

Yes.

Stephanie (38:13)

Let's talk about Sixes. Some deal-breakers for Sixes: being intolerant of their cautiousness and questions. Especially if you take it as a competition when they question you — that can be really frustrating for a Six, because they're like, "I don't know what else to do. I have to ask this question. I have to get more information, I have to feel more certain, and I don't know what to do about this."

Tyler Zach (38:15)

Mm-hmm.

Stephanie (38:43)

Dishonesty and lack of transparency — shiftiness in general — also really hard for Sixes. I've heard Sixes say there's nothing worse than being lied to. So even if you're giving them a really hard truth, that's better than sugarcoating it because you think they can't handle it. Because they can, or they will.

Also being unreliable and flaky. That can be really hard for Sixes. Which is kind of funny sometimes, because as a person who has relationships with Sixes, sometimes I'm like, "I feel like you're unreliable" — but what's actually happening is the Six is changing their mind. It's not that they're being unreliable. It's like, "I was going to do this, and then I thought about it, and then I decided to do this instead." Going back and forth.

That's kind of their own stuff they have to work through, but they really want their partner to be reliable. And then trying to throw Band-Aid solutions at them when they're in a fear spiral doesn't help either. They kind of need to think about the worst-case scenario and then they'll come back. They just need to think about it for a while.

So in relationships, Sixes bring a lot of loyalty. They're committed — it might take them a while to decide, "Okay, yes, I'm ready to commit to this, I do want to do this." But then they don't jump ship. That can be really helpful, especially if you're the type who needs to feel like your partner is always going to be there for you. Sixes are great with that.

They are also really good at taking care of the little practical details in life, especially social and self-pres Sixes. I'll talk a little bit about the counterphobic — or sexual — Sixes in a moment. But all Sixes, I think, across all subtypes, want to feel like a team with their significant other. They want that sense of: "I've got your back, you've got mine, we're together, we're doing this, we're a team, our house is our home base." They really want that sense of alliance.

They also bring a lot of authenticity — they're not going to trick you into thinking they're different than they are.

I will say that what sexual Sixes bring that's a little different is more spontaneity and unpredictability. They tend to be a little more comfortable taking risks. Yes, they still have the fear, but they kind of move toward it. And sometimes they're a little more risky, a little more fun, a little more spontaneous.

Actually, I think all Sixes are really fun. Every time I get on Zoom and somebody has the most random screen name, it's always a Six. They don't take themselves too seriously. So I appreciate that.

So Sixes can really struggle with — actually, do you want to share anything?

Tyler Zach (42:00)

No, I'm just nodding my head in agreement, being married to a Six.

And like I said to you earlier, Steph — I feel like I used to call her a pessimist, but now I call her a protector. I just see her differently. And now that I have a counterphobic Six son too, when there's catastrophizing and going back and forth and self-doubt, I just know what's going on. I can kind of bring reassurance and help the Six walk through that.

But there are so many advantages to being in a relationship with a Six. The ways they handle practical things, their loyalty, they're not obsessed with your image or your achievements but with who you are — my wife couldn't care less about what I'm achieving, and that's great. She keeps me down to earth and just connected in relationship.

Stephanie (42:55)

Yeah, those are all so great, so helpful.

Okay, finally — Type Sevens. Deal-breakers: attempting to control them or shut them down, especially if they're brainstorming and somebody says, "Ah, that's not really practical." They don't like that. Often dwelling on negativity without an action plan — Sevens are like, "All right, so that's not going to work; what's next?" And they don't really like it when people are circling the drain with negative stuff.

And then making decisions for them without giving them input on different options. Sevens love to have freedom and options. They're kind of down for whatever, but they do want to be considered — they don't want that to be assumed.

And then I think the one I see most often is when people disregard the depth that a Seven brings. Not necessarily people who are already in a close relationship, but in the early stages, when people disregard the depth that the Seven brings because it's easier to see them as just superficial. Sevens have more to them.

They're not just these fun, lighthearted people. There's more to them, but sometimes people just think, "Oh, you're silly" or whatever, and kind of dismiss that. And that can be really frustrating for Sevens.

So in a relationship, they bring lightness and levity, and they keep things enjoyable. Seven relationships where I've seen are always doing something different — a new endeavor, a new entrepreneurial thing, whatever. They also just believe in you. Like, no one believes in me the way my Seven friends do. Sevens just think you're awesome and want to support you. They're like, "Yeah, you've got it, let's do this." I appreciate that.

Even though Sevens are sometimes labeled as afraid of commitment, I actually think they're really loyal once they actually commit. It might take them a little while to decide, "Okay, yes, I do want to commit to this," but they're incredibly loyal. A lot of Sevens I know have lifelong friendships — the same friends from when they were kids. And they just bring this attitude of, "If you don't like it, change it." I appreciate that about them.

And they bring that sense of newness — life is never boring. A lot of us get into this monotony: I do this, I do this, I do this, go to work, go home, go to the gym, pick up the kids, whatever it is. And Sevens bring a lot of levity to that. That can be really refreshing.

Sevens can struggle with engaging in difficult conversations. Now, a lot of the time Sevens will say, "I do conflict fine." But a lot of the time what's actually happening is they're engaging in the debate or the argument, but they're not engaging their actual emotions. So sometimes it's really useful for Sevens to slow down and feel a little more settled and grounded in their body — to actually feel their emotions. That is really, really difficult work, but it's important for the depth they actually want in their relationships.

Sometimes Sevens will just do the Band-Aid technique — rip it off, have a big blowup. But I think a lot of the time it's not as emotionally engaged as is probably necessary. So that's Type Seven — and we made it through all nine!

Tyler Zach (46:42)

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Now before you go, let me leave you with this question: as you listened to your Enneagram type today, what's one new pattern you noticed in yourself? And what would it look like to respond with a little more awareness or compassion this week?

The good news is you don't have to fix everything at once. Just one moment of awareness this week paired with one new response can make a big difference in that relationship you treasure the most.